Sometimes you try to do the right things for yourself and they turn out to be the wrong things. Sometimes you try to make amends for screwing up and you end up in a deeper hole than you were before.
More depressed than you were before. Sometimes change feels impossible. Sometimes you have to walk because cannot afford public transportation. Sometimes you try to buy Rollerblades that are too small to fit. You bust your ass trying, and then you realize that the right you tried to make was actually a wrong. Sometimes you love your job until you can’t get along with a co-worker and then you realize how much you wish you didn’t have a college kid’s job. Sometimes you realize how mentally unstable you are when your manager won’t even consider you for a shift position, because she’s seen you fall apart. Sometimes you get paid shit for money.Sometimes you can’t finish your education because you have no idea what you want to be. And by the time you figure it out, your loans are in default and the people in charge of deferring them won’t even pick up the phone to answer your call, because they’re so busy they can’t be bothered. Sometimes you can’t say no to going out to lunch with a friend because they look forward to hanging out with you. So you spend the last penny of the money you don’t have. You even pretend like you can afford Uber rides. Sometimes you say yes to a roommate because it should be your responsibility to help with household supplies and then you end up walking because you had to pay unexpectedly for said household supplies.
Sometimes you have to lie to your parents and pretend like you’re not walking an hour out of your way just to get home. So that they’re not annoyed when you ask for money. You don’t ask for money from your parnts because you were insistent on changing your life. You were insistent on moving out. You thought that it would change you and help you grow. Instead, you can’t even ask your roommate for a ride because then she will know that you can barely afford rent.
Sometimes you quit drinking, you start working out, you try to make changes, and things still go wrong. Sometimes, even though you know you should be alone, you wish you could get your abusive husband back, because at least he loved you. At least he took care of you when he saw you were down. At least he encouraged you and held you at night and told you how much he loved you and how worthy you were to him.
Sometimes you wish you wouldn’t have moved out so you didn’t have to pretend to smile and act like everything was okay. sometimes you wish you could just be alone, so you didn’t have to explain the feelings that you had that were so rotten, and eating you up inside, that if you had to explain them to someone they wouldn’t even understand.
Sometimes you wish you wouldn’t have aborted that baby when your friend didnt abort hers. Sometimes you wonder what it would be like to have a child of your own. Except that you know you’d be jealous of her, jealous of the life you would bust your ass to give her, even though no one bust their ass to give you any kind of chance. You would resent her and be unkind, which would make you feel like a shit person. You already feel shitty.Sometimes, no matter how much you call out for God, it’s like he doesn’t even hear you. Sometimes life doesn’t even hear you.
Sometimes all there is, is defeat.