I was having this brilliant conversation with a friend about romantic entanglements. You are suddenly a part of a triangle and you don’t know which corner of the triangle you are. Not even sure if you are the corner that hits the floor every time the triangle falls. Once you recognize the messy entanglement you’re in, you are suddenly certain that you’re getting out of it.
Aware it will take time and energy, you brace yourself for the months ahead.
Take a minute to imagine you have an ex who won’t let go? You have been on and off for ages and you know it isn’t going anywhere. Have you ever thought that you can just relax into it, and let nature take its cause? Communicate clearly what you want – of course – and then allow time to help you get out of unhealthy entanglements?
Well, here goes the 7 spiritual Laws of Success
The Law of Pure Potentiality
The Law of Giving
The Law of Karma
The Law of Least Effort
The Law of Intention and Desire
The Law of Detachment
The Law of Dharma
1. The Law of Pure Potentiality is pure consciousness
Mindfulness. Being in the now. Seeking expression from the un-manifest to the manifest. In our true Self, we align with the power that manifests everything in nature.
2. The Law of Giving
Give first before you receive & whatever energy you give will come back to you. Even a genuine smile is a gift. Keep wealth circulating by giving and receiving care, affection, appreciation and love. Learn to gratefully receive the same.
3. The Law of Karma
Karma simply means “action”. Karma is equivalent to Newton’s law of ‘every action must have a reaction’. In essence, everything we do creates a corresponding energy that comes back to us in some form or another.
4. The Law of Least Effort
Learn to harness the natural forces of harmony, joy, & love. Accept people, situations, and events as they occur. Take responsibility for your situation and for all events seen as problems. Relinquish the need to defend your point of view.
5. The Law of Intention and Desire
Every intention & desire has the mechanics for its own fulfillment. Refer to the law of attraction. Make a list of intentions & desires & let nature & time fulfill them. Trust that when things don’t seem to go your way, there is a reason.
6. The Law of Detachment
The Law of Attachment says that in order to acquire anything in the physical universe, you have to relinquish your attachment to it. This doesn’t mean you give up the intention to create your desire, you give up your attachment to the result. Allow yourself and others the freedom to be who they are. Do not force solutions. Allow solutions to spontaneously emerge. Uncertainty is essential, & uncertainty is your path to freedom.
The Law of Detachment has its opposite in Attachment. Apparently, attachment comes from a poverty consciousness, because we always attach to symbols. It’s based on fear and insecurity. The need for security is based on not knowing the true Self.
7. The Law of Dharma or Purpose in Life
Everyone has a purpose in life. A unique gift or special talent to give to others. When we blend this unique talent with service to others, we experience the ecstasy and exultation of our own spirit, which is the ultimate goal.
In conclusion, relinquish your attachment to the known. Step into the unknown and you will step into the field of all possibilities. By stepping into the unknown, you unleash the wisdom of uncertainty that lies dormant within you. This means that in every moment of yr life, you’ll have excitement, adventure, mystery etc
Recommended reading: Read about the Law of Conscious Detachment at on Finding Source
Many people have the wrong idea about boundaries. They believe that they already have good boundaries when in reality they have brick walls, or they believe that boundaries are “unkind.”
boundaries are the ultimate guide to successful relationships. Without
healthy boundaries, relationships do not thrive—they result in feelings
of resentment, disappointment, or violation. These feelings, unchecked,
can lead to being cut off from others or enmeshment, where there’s no
clear division between you and others’ needs and feelings. Neither of
these situations is ideal.
Because so few of us understand what
boundaries actually are, we rarely see evidence of them working. But
when they do, you feel it—it does wonders for your mental and relational
What healthy boundaries look like
Boundaries are what happen when you can sense yourself and what you need and want and access your voice to speak to those things. We all have “limits,” and we all experience violations of our limits.
of the time, people are not trying to violate your limits—they just
aren’t aware of what they are. Sometimes, this is because we are not clear with ourselves or other people about what we want or need.
Here are six boundaries you deserve to have and what they might look like in practice:
1. Physical boundaries
Physical boundaries include your needs for personal space,
your comfort with touch, and your physical needs like needing to rest,
eat food, and drink water.
It is OK to let people know that you
don’t want to be touched or that you need more space. It is also OK to
say that you are hungry or that you need to rest.
Healthy physical boundaries might sound like:
“I am really tired. I need to sit down now.”
“I am not a big hugger. I am a handshake person.”
“I need to eat. I am going to go grab something.”
“I am allergic to [insert here], so we can’t have that in our home.”
“No. I don’t want you to touch me like that.”
“Don’t go into my room without asking first.”
Physical boundary violations feel like receiving inappropriate or unwanted touch, being denied your physical needs (told to keep walking when you are tired or that you need to wait to eat or drink), or having someone come into your personal space in a way that is uncomfortable (entering your room without permission, for example). This can vary on a spectrum from mild to severe. The most severe violations result in serious physical abuse or neglect.
2. Emotional boundaries
Emotional boundaries are all about respecting and honoring feelings and energy. Setting emotional boundaries means recognizing how much emotional energy you are capable of taking in, knowing when to share and when not to
share, and limiting emotional sharing with people who respond poorly.
Respecting emotional boundaries means validating the feelings of others
and making sure you respect their ability to take in emotional
It might sound like:
“When I share my feelings with you and get criticized, it makes me totally shut down. I can only share with you if you are able to respond respectfully to me.”
“I am so sorry you are having such a tough time. Right now, I am not in a place to take in all of this information. Do you think we can come back to this conversation later?”
“I am having a hard time and really need to talk. Are you in a place to listen right now?”
“I really can’t talk about that right now. It isn’t the right time.”
Emotional boundary violations include:
Dismissing and criticizing feelings
Asking questions that are not appropriate for the relationship
Reading or going through personal and emotional information
Asking people to justify their feelings
Assuming we know how other people feel
Telling other people how they feel
“Emotionally dumping” on people without their permission
Sharing inappropriate emotional information with your children
3. Time boundaries
Your time is valuable, and it is important to protect how
it is utilized. Setting time boundaries is incredibly important at work,
home, and socially. Setting time boundaries means understanding your
priorities and setting aside enough time for the many areas of your life without overcommitting. When you understand your priorities, it is much easier to limit the amount of time you are giving to other people.
“I would love to help, but I would be over-committing myself. Is there another time?”
“We have family time on Sundays, so we won’t make it.”
“I am happy to help with that. My hourly rate is…”
Violated time boundaries looks like asking professionals for their time without paying them, demanding time from people, keeping people in conversations or on tasks for longer than we told them we would, showing up late or canceling on people because we over-committed, and contacting people when they said they would be unavailable. Article continues below
4. Sexual boundaries
Healthy sexual boundaries include consent, agreement, respect, understanding of preferences and desires, and privacy.
Healthy sexual boundaries include:
Asking for consent
Discussing and asking for what pleases you
Requesting condom use if you want it
Saying no to things that you do not like or that hurt you
Protecting the privacy of the other person
This might sound like:
“Do you want to have sex now?”
“Is this comfortable for you?”
“Tell me what you like.”
“Tell me what you don’t like.”
“I don’t like that. Let’s try something different.”
“I am really into [insert desire here]. Is that something you would feel comfortable with?”
Sexual boundary violations include:
Sulking, punishing, or getting angry if someone does not want to have sex
Not asking for consent
Pressure to engage in unwanted sexual acts
Unwanted sexual comments
Lying about contraceptive use
Lying about your health history
Criticizing the other person’s sexual preferences
Unwanted touch, assault, or rape
5. Intellectual boundaries
Intellectual boundaries refer to your thoughts, ideas, and
curiosity. Healthy intellectual boundaries include respect for the ideas
of other people, and they can be violated when your thoughts and
curiosity are shut down, dismissed, or belittled. Respectfulness and
willingness to dialogue and understand are important here.
Healthy intellectual boundaries also mean considering whether or not it is a good time to talk about something.
They might sound like:
“I know we disagree, but I won’t let you belittle me like that.”
“I would love to talk about this more, but I don’t think talking about it during Thanksgiving dinner is the best time.”
“When we talk about this, we don’t get very far. I think it is a good idea to avoid the conversation right now.”
“I can respect that we have different opinions on this.”
Does this mean that you need to be accepting of all
thoughts and opinions? Absolutely not. It is also important to learn to
recognize the difference between healthy and unhealthy discourse. If
someone is sharing an opinion that is inherently harmful—i.e., racism,
sexism, xenophobia, homophobia, etc.—then you have every right to put a
hard line in the sand. You can set the boundary in your own way. It
might sound like letting the person know you do not tolerate that kind
of talk, distancing yourself from them, or cutting off. You do not have
to have “intellectual” discourse with someone who is violating you or
6. Material boundaries
Material boundaries refer to items and possessions like
your home, car, clothing, jewelry, furniture, money, etc. It is healthy
to understand what you can and cannot share and how you expect your
items and materials to be treated by the people you share them with.
Having limits on how your material items are treated is healthy and prevents resentment over time.
This might sound like:
“I can’t lend out my car. I am the only person on the insurance.”
“We can’t give any more money. We would be happy to help in another way.”
“Sure! I am happy to share my dress with you. Just a heads-up, I do need it back by Friday.”
Material boundaries are violated when your things are
destroyed or stolen or when they are “borrowed” too frequently. Another
material violation is the use of materials (money and possessions) to
manipulate and control relationships.
The more we set boundaries,
the more we recognize them. In setting boundaries, we help people show
up for us, and we also become better at showing up for them.
On Twitter, I do these theme weeks that simply raise a question and let people vote. Now, I don’t have so many followers, but has a challenge such as few followers ever discouraged me? No. The hardest part of a journey is the start, right? So, if you are on twitter, go follow me! Especially if you want your TL spiked with mental health threads, feminist declarations, sporadic sex posts, unplanned flirtations that go hay-wire etc
So, this week, the question was:
I find it interesting that these kinds of questions lead to inbox messages. As though people want to share, but not in public. Though, am a stranger.
A man sent an inbox message:
“Hi Linnie,” (my Twitter handle is @LinniewaGC)
“Hi Linnie, I for one would never develop any consistent habits with someone I am not passionate about! The beginning of me wanting to be consistent or stable with a woman is passion. The second thing is passion, this time not sexual passion, but rather passion for her life, projects etc. The third thing is passion! Passion will make a woman give more and demand more of me – which will set the stage for me to be more. To be challenged to grow is the best reason to be any kind of consistent.
Some guy I know married a girl because she was calm – wifely. Within seven months, he was cheating. He was bored. The whole marriage was built on consistent habits and routines and she got pregnant immediately which made it even more routine. I swore it would not happen to me!
Imagine, relationships are like a business Linnie! You start a business you are not passionate about, it will not sustain your interest for long. Even if you make money, at some point you will give it up. If you are passionate about it, you will build on it your entire life. An empire.
So, for me, it is passion that builds the consistency. But people will misinterpret this to mean they can settle with someone just because there is passion! Because some people wake up every morning looking for something to confirm or affirm their wrong choices. Not true! Passion is like the first test. And then you move on with other check-points to ensure hat you have:
compatible communication patterns
Additionally, passion has to be consistent and sustainable for it to be meaningful in a long-term relationship. Too hot a fire burns itself out, and with it, the surroundings. Too cool a fire leaves everybody and everything wanting more.
Do I make sense? Apologies for long winding text!”
So this guy wrote me a letter! It was fun to read and I asked him if I can share it here. He said yes, anonymously.
What do you think about Passion vs Consistency in long-term relationships?
Next week, we continue with our posts about Personality Disorders. It will be all about Borderline personality disorder (BPD).
In our 1st and 2nd posts in this series, we listed the Personality Disorders that can make it impossible to achieve stable mental health in relationships. Spending too much time with people who are suffering from a Personality Disorder can trigger mental illness. Even in people who have been mentally stable all their lives.
Personality disorders are mental health conditions that affect how someone thinks, perceives the world, feels about other people or relates to others. Last week was about Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD). This week we write about Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).
We have been traveling for a week and because this post was already planned, we have been discussing Narcissism. Firsts, we asked ourselves and each other if we know anyone with NPD. Then, we wondered if we ourselves are narcissistic. Lacking empathy for the plight of others. Thinking ourselves too important to be bothered. Centering ourselves in all situations so we can be admired and praised. Because that is what an individual with NPD is or does. It is megalomania.
We shocked ourselves by listing the traits that characterize narcissists. Don’t we all have that friend who dreams big and focuses on winning big? Or the one who ignores our lives and existence as they constantly tell us about their fantastic lives and dreams?
Did you ever try to tell someone close to you about your horrible experience and they turned it around into a competition-le-horrible? Telling you about their horrible-st experiences that were worse that yours? Or someone told you something that was sensitive and shameful about themselves? That you used against them? Turned around as a knife to stab with to win an argument?
Don’t panic! With narcissism, as with other Personality Disorders, it is the combination of a few factors that counts. Not the existence of one characteristic.
As I was researching for this post, I learnt something new. Narcissistic Personality Disorder is not equivalent to simple regular daily narcissism.
Apparently, some people are narcissistic but they are not mental ill. These are the narcissists at work that get on your nerves till you quit. Cut the cue at the newspaper kiosk because they feel their time is worth more than yours. At times, we experience them as obnoxious because they feel superior to others and see nothing wrong with that.
Regular day-to-day narcissists are not the people you go to when you need empathy. hey have none to offer. They also feel entitled to the best of everything, and are jealous if you have the best of anything. Remember you teacher in the village who thought they were God’s gift to the village? Like that. You admired the teacher and their family and they looked down on you? Yes, that one.
Remember how your mom worked for that teacher and the teacher refused to pay your mom? Although the teacher knew that your mom really needed that money? And then teacher comes to your home and your mom has bought a new calf an they ask scornfully ‘sasa pesa ya kununua kang’ombe ilitoka wapi. Na kamekondaa!’ where did the money to buy this come from? the way it is thin! Regular narcs have no difficulty exploiting others in order to get what they want. For free. Be aware that they are not aware or insightful about what they are doing. Therefore, they feel no shame or remorse.
Apparently, these regular day-to-day narcissists have a knack for getting powerful positions aided by their manipulative powers. Plus, they are willing to do anything to keep the power once they get it. Does this ring any bells regarding your local politician. Or the general manager at your company?
Narcissistic Personality Disorder:
Excessive focus on the self defines Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). NDP is characterized by long-term pattern of abnormal behavior. Exaggerated feelings of self-importance, excessive need for admiration, and a lack of empathy are very defined in this disorder. People with NPD are often described as arrogant, self-centered, manipulative, demanding or high-maintenance. They tend to seek excessive attention and admiration and they have difficulty tolerating criticism or defeat.
additionally, NPD personalities frequently try to associate with people they believe are unique or gifted in some way. This is as a way of enhancing themselves. Generally, narcissists add people into their lives as a homemaker adds a nice carpet in an already perfect room. The carpet can be thrown out any minute. The narcissist being the perfect room. Obviously.
Example True Story
In the 80s and early 90s, Ndaina was completely focused on becoming one of the best dancers in the Florida Night Club (F2) in Nairobi. In the 90s, F2 dancers were paid well and dancers had a polished social profile. Almost like modern day’s Instagram accounts. Her job gave her the possibility of meeting rich gentlemen for marriage or fun. Plus, the tips were better than the salary itself. Ndaina’s dream was actually to become the best of the troop AND to marry one of the affluent men that occasionally graced F2.
She had the names of the men she had her eyes on and she followed their social, political and financial progress carefully. Although she relished the attention she received from other visitors to the club, she rarely noticed who they were or how they looked. Often, she spoke about men in two categories.
(1) rich and worthy, or
(2) broke and worthless.
A few men were known to lose their wits once they had met her. They did everything to be allowed to touch her exquisite skin and curves. Rumor had it that she had financially ruined a couple of gentlemen as they showered her with money. they hoped she would see them as more than just temporary passersby on her journey to her designated elite husband.
As far as women were concerned, Ndaina made it clear that she did not like friendships with women. Basically because women were generally useless to her AND they were jealous.
Jealous of her beauty, her skin, her curves, her money, her freedom and her availability.
Lack of Empathy
In 1995, Ndaina narrated to a mesmerized group of girls, how 2 years earlier, in 1993, she had succeeded to ruin a woman. The woman in question had apparently started it by trying to ruin Ndaina’s reputation. This woman, the wife of an affluent businessman, had attended one of Ndaina’s exclusive parties with her husband of 15 years. The husband had fallen in lust and obsession with Ndaina. He had subsequently started to ruin his family financially and emotionally as he did anything necessary to win Ndaina. Ndaina played with him as a cat plays with a bird whose wings are already broken.
The wife’s first mistake was imagining that reputation was important to Ndaina. So she wasted money and time trying to ruin Ndaina’s reputation. That backfired on her face when Ndaina made it clear that she was not working on becoming an angel. Plus, she was not in the business of helping women cling to their husbands. Especially husbands who wanted to leave for better pastures.
The second mistake was the wife threatening to leave her own husband if he didn’t stop shaming her publicly by chasing Ndaina openly. The husband called the bluff and left his wife and set-up a bachelors pad in Kileleshwa, neighboring Ndaina so he could see her more often.
Toxic matrimony and parenting
In 1989, Ndaina had given birth to her only son, Rono. No one knows who Rono’s father is. If Ndaina knew, she never revealed this valuable information to anyone, not even Rono himself. Ndaina told 3 men that they were Rono’s father. That way, she had child support from 3 men. None of them knew about the existence of the other 2. Neither did any of them want to be publicly identified as Rono’s father. They were respectably married to other women and wanted to stay respectably married. It was fun to be rich and have Ndaina as a mistress.
They were never invited to the same party and would never meet each other.
When affluent businessman left his wife and moved to Ndaina’s neighborhood it was both welcome and unwelcome. For one, his public display of obsession was threatening to ruin her 3 other ‘stable-private-secret relationships’. They were also a source of income. Secondly, he was affluent but not thaaaat affluent. He was not on Ndaina’s list of worthy men.
So, Ndaina devised a plan to gain from the affluent man without him ruining her life. She told Rono’s 3 fathers that she too wanted to be married. Ensured that each man would continue to support his son, even if she married someone else. She then asked the obsessed-affluent-businessman to prove that he really was obsessed with her by divorcing his wife so he could marry Ndaina. In 1998, the divorce papers were ready.
The wife ended up on the street with her children. Affluent-business-man was ready for marriage.
Ndaina was by now one of the elite dancers in Nairobi and marrying her was like acquiring an accessory of worth. Art in her house was mostly images of herself dancing, training, eating and in all stages of undressing and dressing. Images with affluent people of society occupied the spaces where normal people have images of their children, spouses and works of art.
Rono’s bedroom was adorned by images of Ndaina doing her thing.
Neglecting while Keeping control
In 1999, Ndaina married affluent-business-man in a lavish wedding. Rono was ‘encouraged’ to call the new husband daddy. But Rono was used to being daddy-less. He resisted this new fatherhood. Rono tried as a boy of 10, 11, 12 may try to explain to his mom, his new daddy, his grandmother, aunties and uncles that he did not like having a daddy,
No one listened.
Ndaina supported her entire family financially. No one dared question her decisions or give her advice.
By 2006, Ndaina’s marriage had totally fallen apart and she blamed the failed matrimony on her son Rono. He was having a difficult teenage. She conveniently forgot her affairs with clients at the F2 and her numerous ‘vacations’ to the coast, Zanzibar, Dubai etc To these vacations, she was accompanied by men other than her husband.
Her husband tried to explain that he needed a functioning home-front and reputation in order for him to work and earn the money for the luxury she was used to. Ndaina reminded him of men who worked and made money without wifely support. Ageing bachelors, divorcees or widowers.
By the end of 2007, Ndaina was no longer the dancer she used to be. Isnt it awful how age catches up with us all? She was welcome to teach dancing at a studio but she declined. The money was less without tips. There were no ‘live’ admirers and applauds.
Plus, she did not like women that much to be able to teach young beautiful girls how to dance.
Her only option was to get out of the failed marriage with her finances intact. Priority was to find another rich man. But a divorce would just mean that her husband left with his money. She would probably end up on the streets as his first wife had done. Not forgetting, he had started fraternizing with his ex-wife. He had recently bought the ex-wife a house citing that he had to care for his children.
Ndaina was sure he was going back to his ex-wife.
He would abandon her as she was turning 40. She was certain. Too old for the affluent men she had long ago listed as potential affluent husbands.
She knew her son Rono was soon turning 16, hated his stepdad and would do anything to get rid of him. Additionally, Ndaina knew a few lawyers and a judge. At a recent night-out, someone had unknowingly revealed that a 16 year old can get away with murder. If there was money enough to pay it all off.
Ndaina embarked on re-building a relationship with her son who was by now out partying at all hours. Boys love their mothers, don’t they? It did not take long for her to broach the subject of getting rid of her husband so they could keep the money and the lifestyle.
Rono was all ears.
Symptoms of NPD
The symptoms of Narcissistic personality disorder start to manifest themselves in early adulthood – the time between late teens and adulthood. This does not mean that the presence of narcissistic traits in adolescence will lead to NPD in adulthood.
Narcissists have a great sense of self-importance characterized by:
preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.
they belief that they are extra special and can only be understood by, or associate with special people or institutions.
a need for excessive admiration and constant praise.
sense of entitlement especially to special treatment.
exploitation of others. Everybody is a tool to make their life easier. Or to move the narcissist to the next level of greatness.
lack of empathy. Other people’s suffering or triumphs do not affect a narcissist. Unless it is taking the spotlight from the NPD personality
NPD personalities are envious or jealous of others. They also believe that others are envious or jealous of them.
pride, arrogance or higher-than-thou attitude. No one can question, advice or have an opposing opinion.
blaming others. Everything is someone else’s fault because a narcissist cannot accept blame for things going wrong.
How NPD Damages Relationships
1. Taking. Never giving back
NPD individuals will exhaust you by taking and never giving back. The sense of entitlement damages relationships because NPD individuals are not appreciative, grateful or reciprocating. Whatever you give them, they feel they deserve it, so they take it and expect more. There is no question of reciprocation or making you feel that you did a good deed. This applies to material things, supportive actions, kind words, feelings and acts of love or kindness etc. An NPD individual will gladly take everything and never appreciate it or reciprocate.
2. Disregard for other people’s existence, needs, feelings, opinions
This disregard ruins relationships. When someone disregards your feelings, they will see you tired or sad, and instead of comforting you or trying to help you relax, they will start a fight with you. Just to get your attention.
3. Anger and disdain
Anger and disdain are very common in NPD individuals and they are good at hiding or masking their anger. When angry or disdainful, they will either lash out in cruel attacks or withdraw from the relationship as punishment. Beware, if they withdraw as punishment, they will be back. Cruel attacks can be direct words, gossip to friends, relatives or other colleagues. It can also be physical cruelty.
An NPD personality will drop you without warning if they realize you are no longer useful to them.
4. Unable to receive feedback or criticism
If an narcissistic personality makes a mistake, hurts you, or messes up – don’t bother to correct them or confront them. The correction or feedback will just wash over them. They will smile and they will save the episode in an angry place so they can later punish you for daring to correct them.
NPD will narrate their problems with other people they keep in their life. Their husband/wife, teenage children who are no longer cute, siblings, friends. Tell you they need your input, without listening to anything you say on the matter. Because they disregard other people so completely, they will tell their own version as if it were the entire truth on the matter. All they really want to say is how great they are, and how bad the other person is. They do not receive feedback, advice or criticism well. A person with NPD may be a high-achiever but the personality disorder can have a negative impact on performance. Usually because of their arrogant refusal to receive well-meant feedback or criticism.
5. Controlling things and people
A narcissistic person will control you and it will start so tactfully. They will call or message all the time to check on you. They will cover it up as love or worry, so you will go along until they have a tracker in your phone. At the end, you will be making their favourite meals every day, traveling to their favourite destinations, listening to their favourite music etc. You won’t remember what your favourite things or activities were.
Due to their need to control things, addiction is common in people suffering from NPD. It can be an addiction to social media, to adoration, to sex or to the un-affordable luxury. Or addiction to love. They are always looking for that first rush of a love relationship. It can also be an addiction to substances such as drugs or alcohol. We know how addictions can cause mood swings, anxiety, and other dysfunctions in any relationship.
Narcissistic people will abuse you. Physically or emotionally but they will abuse you.
Causes of narcissistic personality disorder can be:
biological or neurological
environment factors such as social norms
early life experiences such as childhood trauma or pressure
Narcissistic people present a great deal of grandiosity and defensiveness, which makes it difficult for them to acknowledge problems and vulnerabilities. Narcs will not ask for help. Neither will they accept help when it is offered.
Psychotherapy MAY (a big MAY) be useful in helping people with narcissistic personality disorder relate to others in a healthier and more compassionate way.